This IS my life. I just told my mate today that life feels so chaotic for me. I feel so unmotivated, unenthusiastic. My mind is busy churning thoughts. Physically I feel like a top spinning yet never moving further than a couple of feet at a time. I have so many ideas, plans for myself but inevitably beyond writing I never have time for pursuing any ME life. Even if I have a brief moment to just focus on myself, I am so enamored by the beauty of hearing nothing, I lose all desire to move beyond it. To socialize is to be busy. To workout is to be in a busy noisy place. I don’t even want to hear myself. I dream of travel or resuming competing in fitness competitions, midday girls luncheons, volunteer work at shelters and standing in front of a group preaching again then reality slaps it away. I look to my sweet son and know that I will never feel at ease going further than I can return to him in an hour or so and my me time is dedicated to just trying to stay ahead of my deeply hidden fears, worries and wondering about his future. Family, friends are loved however honestly, for the great majority, being around them is more aggravating than enjoyment. The looks, the poor attempts to disguise their questions or completely erroneous assumptions about my son, his needs and my relationships. Being a special needs parent is very alienating. No matter how adept we are at integrating; no matter where we go with our loved one; we are automatically an intruder in a foreign land. Unless you are one of us, you DO NOT get it. Please stop apologizing. I’m not sorry my son is who God made him to be. I’m not sorry my days are full of things the thought of make your skin crawl or body ache. I’m not sorry I don’t get to run to every family event, take weeks of vacation, drink to stupidity or lay around doing absolutely nothing even for a day. I push you away because although I love you, you don’t fit in my world anymore and fitting into yours doesn’t appeal to me. My life is filled with the most meaningful mission. My handful of people, MY people add to the experience not look at it weakly with sorrow for me and my son. Save your sympathy, sorrow, sorry for a funeral wake.